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Old 08-02-2013, 09:25 AM
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Hysterical Air Tower Instructions

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"


Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"






>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f....ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f....ing stupid!"








O'Hare Approach Control to a 747:"United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."






A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,"What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff?"









A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.



San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."












A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"









Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."









One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."









The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206: (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."






While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:


"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:


"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:


"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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  #382  
Old 08-13-2013, 09:21 AM
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How do you starve an Obama supporter??
It's very simple, hide their food stamps under their work shoes!
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  #383  
Old 08-14-2013, 12:12 AM
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Ill go along with that . montanasledhead
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  #384  
Old 09-23-2013, 09:22 AM
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WISCONSIN FIRE INSURANCE

A man and his wife moved back to Wisconsin from Arizona.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Arizona it cost
her $2,000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Wisconsin, they went to Sven's Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and said to the couple, "$39.00."

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Wisconsin to insure, because it cost him $2,000.00 inArizona!

Sven turned his computer screen to the couple and said, "Vell,
here it dis on da screen, direct from Ole's Wisconsin Fire Insurance Company," it says:

"Any wooden structure, with sprinkler system over it, is $39.00".

Wisconsin logic.
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  #385  
Old 09-23-2013, 10:48 AM
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life,” St. Peter informed him.

“Where’s Obama’s clock?”

“His clock is in Jesus’s office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
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Old 09-26-2013, 10:42 AM
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Two British nuns sat at a traffic light in their car when a load of rowdy drunks pulled up along side.

"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!"shouted one of the drunks.


The Mother Superior turned to Sister Immaculata and said, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross.”


So Sister Immaculata rolled down her window and shouted, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off!".


Sister Immaculata looked back at the Mother Superior and asked, “Was that cross enough?”
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  #387  
Old 10-02-2013, 12:09 PM
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A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.  Just before the school year started, he injured his back.  He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body, but fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. 
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.  The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.  
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.  When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence...  


The rest of the year went very smoothly!
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  #388  
Old 10-04-2013, 08:25 AM
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"Negotiating with Obama is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon knocks over all the pieces, sh!$s on the board and then struts around like it won the game."
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Old 10-04-2013, 08:33 AM
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Best come-back line

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and laBesscivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? s♥♥t ... is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter...
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  #390  
Old 10-04-2013, 08:58 AM
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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on
the front porch.

Slowly they rocked, in rhythm as this was their time to spend a few
quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard
WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught
his breath he gasped and asked, "What'd you do that fer?"

"That's fer fifty years of bad sex," she said.

He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again.

Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked,
until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over
and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.

As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, "What
was that fer?"

"That," said her husband as he began to rock again, "is fer knowin' the
difference."
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