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LOCKED and LOADED A little something for everyone!

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  #881  
Old 03-02-2018, 10:21 AM
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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"
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  #882  
Old 03-02-2018, 10:25 AM
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The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts..so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... "

"...And, here I am."
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  #883  
Old 03-02-2018, 10:27 AM
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A grandson came to visit his grandparents & noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out in the wind for all to see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.

"Grandpa, whatcha' doin' sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him & said, "Last week I sat here with no shirt on & got a stiff neck. This is grandma's idea..."
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  #884  
Old 03-04-2018, 06:12 PM
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Default Well played . . . .

“I signed up for Tinder, just to see what would happen. A few hours later, I got “superliked,” which is apparently better than “liked”. We talked for a few days, she seemed super cool. I suggested a date, and she insisted on it being dinner. Cool.

We met up tonight at a restaurant I’d picked out. She didn’t look at me, wore sweatpants, and immediately ordered an $13 appetizer. Okay, not a dealbreaker.
I tried starting a conversation a few times, but she only gave one word answers. Then, she orders a $25 steak and $22 crab legs.
She drank 4 $9 glasses of wine. I got the steak, and a few drinks myself. Right about the time our main course(s) arrived, I’d pretty much given up. She talked more to the waiter.

As we were finishing, I excused myself and went to the restroom. While I was in there, a light bulb went off.
I left the bathroom, headed out the door, got in my car, and drove home.

Now, here I am. She messaged me a few times, called me a “fucker” about twelve times. Eh.”
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  #885  
Old 04-20-2018, 04:50 PM
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Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was
in the father's room putting away the laundry and I
found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?"
they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh SHiiiiiiiT."
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  #886  
Old 04-20-2018, 04:51 PM
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Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
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  #887  
Old 04-20-2018, 04:52 PM
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Married Man's Confession

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!
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  #888  
Old 04-20-2018, 04:53 PM
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Default Fryday Funnies....

A blonde was trying to sell her old car.She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"
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My Friends call me "Randy" , the rebels can as well as I consider them to be above acquaintance status!
Proudly stolen from Eric W "My strength is the strength of ten for my heart is pure"
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  #889  
Old 04-20-2018, 05:54 PM
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Thanks Grizz!!!
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  #890  
Old 07-20-2018, 04:35 PM
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Default Moar Fryday Funnies.......ya bunch of panty crack pilots...

Police officer George and woman Police officer Mary and their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.

They had been out only a short time then Mary said, “Dammmnnnn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my panties! It is so uncomfortable.
We have to go back to the station to get them.”

“We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”Mary lifted her skirt for the dog.

After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.Twenty minutes later they heard sirens.

Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit – and the superintendent’s balls in his mouth
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