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LOCKED and LOADED A little something for everyone!

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  #831  
Old 10-21-2017, 12:02 AM
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good'un!
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  #832  
Old 10-22-2017, 10:16 AM
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A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream.
He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead.

What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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  #833  
Old 10-22-2017, 10:21 AM
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13 hrs ·

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only."

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.

It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
"All the men here have it short and thin."
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin."
Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick."
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here.

This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.
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  #834  
Old 10-22-2017, 10:28 AM
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest:

‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

‘What do you mean, almost?’ the priest said.

‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.
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  #835  
Old 10-22-2017, 10:29 AM
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A man and a woman meet in an elevator.

"Where are you heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood."

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $20."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman angrily gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
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  #836  
Old 10-22-2017, 10:30 AM
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Peter, let's go"
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  #837  
Old 10-22-2017, 10:34 AM
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.

The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked,

"What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.

"The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered.

"But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them.

"Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!
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  #838  
Old 10-22-2017, 11:01 AM
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I thought I was being sexy the other morning when I got out of the shower. Went over to my wife and started twirling around my wiener. I said look Honey ,I'm doing a helicopter for you!

She said, more like a drone!
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  #839  
Old 10-23-2017, 10:40 AM
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A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors: "Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!"

"Now wait a minute, Professor," interrupted a student. "Castration? That's absurd!"

"No young man, it's sadly true," replied the Teacher smugly.

"Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!"
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My Friends call me "Randy" , the rebels can as well as I consider them to be above acquaintance status!
Proudly stolen from Eric W "My strength is the strength of ten for my heart is pure"
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  #840  
Old 10-23-2017, 11:46 AM
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Default One fer the ladies...

If a kiss can make your day?

Anal can make your hole weak!
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