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LOCKED and LOADED A little something for everyone!

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  #801  
Old 01-19-2017, 11:09 AM
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oh yea... I'm sharing that one! Thanks for all the great laughs guys!
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  #802  
Old 02-26-2017, 12:13 PM
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The Pope on vacation


The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska . He was driving along near a campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save
the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,
thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear's grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don't know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
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  #803  
Old 03-04-2017, 10:18 AM
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R.I.P. PDB


Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.
He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins. Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Born and bread in Minnesota, Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.
He was not considered to be a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man, and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven.
He is survived by his elderly father Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Rise to the occasion and pass this on to someone having a crumby day or kneading a lift.
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  #804  
Old 03-04-2017, 10:20 AM
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I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?
'What's that?' I asked
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'
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  #805  
Old 03-10-2017, 02:04 PM
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Default I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d.

Two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,
"I W..a..s A..l..m..o..s..t M..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I W..e...n..t T..o a
D..o..c..t..o..r A..n..d H..e T..o..l..d M..e
T..h..a..t I..f I S..p..e..a..k S..l..o..w..l..y I
W..i..l...l N..o..t S..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how
he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l, M..y F..i..a..n..c..e..e A..n..d I
W..e..r..e S..i..t..t..i..n..g O..n H..e..r
P..o..r..c..h A..n..d T..h..e D..o..g W..a..s
S..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g H..i..s B..a..c..k A..n..d
I T..o..l..d H..e..r T..h...a..t W..h..e..n W..e
A...r..e M..a..r..r..i..e..d, S..h..e C..o u l d
D...o T..h..a..t F..o...r M..e A..n..d S..h..e
T..h..r..e..w T..h...e R..i..n..g I..n M..y
F..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"



asks the first friend.

" W..e..l..l, I S..p..e..a..k S..o S..l..o..w..l..y,
T...h..a..t B..y T..h..e T..i..m..e S..h..e
L...o..o..k..e..d A..t T..h..e D..o..g, H..e
W..a..s L..i..c..k..i..n..g H..i..s N..u..t..s"
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  #806  
Old 03-26-2017, 08:56 PM
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Man in a bar overhears two women talking about how they saw an adult movie and the male star in it had an 12" pecker.
The man says to them, "i wish i had an 12" pecker."
They both start laughing/snickering at him.
He smuggly gets up to leave, as he does he says to them, "it would be so much easier to pack around."
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  #807  
Old 03-31-2017, 08:19 AM
143777 143777 is offline
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Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is surprised.
He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.
He gets back to Minnesota , and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts.
Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din't yah?"
Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip. Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?"
Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota".
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  #808  
Old 04-03-2017, 03:05 PM
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  #809  
Old 04-19-2017, 11:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 143777 View Post
Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)
This is as far as I made it before busting a gut , OOFDAH !
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  #810  
Old 04-24-2017, 02:22 PM
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