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LOCKED and LOADED A little something for everyone!

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  #851  
Old 02-05-2018, 10:00 AM
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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!
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  #852  
Old 02-09-2018, 11:50 PM
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A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Justin Trudeau fans.

Not really knowing what a Trudeau fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different... again.
Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not a Trudeau fan."
The teacher asked, "Why aren't you a fan of Trudeau?"
Johnny said, "Because I'm a Conservative."
The teacher asked him why he's a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Conservative and my Dad's a Conservative, so I'm a Conservative."
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, "That would make me a Trudeau fan."
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  #853  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:56 AM
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Default One for the wankers

George goes to the doctor and says "Hey Doc I know guys my age start to get hair growing in their nose and a-- and stuff, but look at this." Where upon he displays his p*nis which is covered with hair.

The doctor says "Gee I never saw anything like that."

"Am I in trouble?" asks George.

The doctor takes some samples and tells George to call him in a few days.

When George calls, the doctor tells him not to worry but advises him to "Wash your hands better after you put the Rogaine on you head."
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  #854  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:57 AM
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A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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  #855  
Old 02-16-2018, 10:59 AM
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d**k ".
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  #856  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:01 AM
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There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog. They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs behind and feed him for a month before the fair.

The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in. So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles.

After a week or two of this, they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork, and after a minute, the monkey did what he was supposed to do. The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough, they won first prize. Once they got home, they realized they still had to take the cork out.

So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles. They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig, and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them. The reporter asked the first farmer, "What is the last thing you remember?"

"Shit flying everywhere," the farmer replied. The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response. When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember, he started crying.

The reporter asked, "What's the matter?"

The farmer replied, "The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey's face as he tried to stick the cork back in.
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  #857  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:05 AM
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A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.

An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.

The passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?"

The elderly man replies, "I can't see how it's any of your business. But, since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs."

The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"
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  #858  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:06 AM
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Default One for gubmint workers

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then the interviewer asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that."
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My Friends call me "Randy" , the rebels can as well as I consider them to be above acquaintance status!
Proudly stolen from Eric W "My strength is the strength of ten for my heart is pure"
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  #859  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:07 AM
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Trump and Pence are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Trump and Pence sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Trump says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Trump says, "Well, we're going to kill 200 million Muslims and one blonde with big ta-tas."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big ta-tas? Why kill a blonde with big ta-tas?"

Trump turns to Pence and says, "See, I told you .. no one cares about the 200 million Muslims".
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My Friends call me "Randy" , the rebels can as well as I consider them to be above acquaintance status!
Proudly stolen from Eric W "My strength is the strength of ten for my heart is pure"
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  #860  
Old 02-16-2018, 11:08 AM
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A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a wh*re."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman, "Ok, I'm a pro-stitu-te." "No, that's still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman excitedly states,

"I'm a chicken farmer!"

The accountant is puzzled, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a wh*re or a pro-stitu-te?"

"Well, I raised over a 1000 cocks last year."
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My Friends call me "Randy" , the rebels can as well as I consider them to be above acquaintance status!
Proudly stolen from Eric W "My strength is the strength of ten for my heart is pure"
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